Tasting Things I Step On...

This truly made sense at the time, and I refuse to apologize or try to elaborate, as this is the last time I will talk about it. Seriously, I'm typing this up and then I’m pretending it never happened.

So, I just got done tasting an object off the floor.  Actually I tasted it twice.  I think this was more of a moment of curiosity mixed with alcohol, as opposed to my need to taste things I step on. I know what you are thinking (stop it, I can't help myself).  All I did was to get up to make a drink. It's not like that is strange. I just so happened to step on something that was not made to be stepped on. Oh my god it hurt so much and I found myself falling to the floor with the oddest foreign object lodged in my foot.

Okay, here is the deal in my household. I have a black lab that I dearly love and she chews everything. I laugh because my daughter’s dolls have no feet at all. My lab loves plastic feet. I'm sure there is a support group for labs with plastic foot fetishes but I'm just a tad bit busy and don't have time to go. Can't I just subscribe to the weekly newsletter that offers support and guidance? Regardless, there could be random shards of nothingness on my floor. Usually, if I step on something I blame the dog or my children and walk away exasperated after I clean it up.

 I'm lying on the hardwoods, looking at possibly the oddest thing I have ever seen, lodged directly in the ball of my foot. I have no idea what the hell this thing could possibly be. I have short visions of Doctor House trying experimental therapy in an attempt to remove this object without a name.  I absolutely love the Doctor House. Anyway, I look at the object and decide that just a quick yank will make the problem go away. I count to three but pull it on four (like I'm trying to surprise or fool myself). What I see next completely shocks me. What the hell is that?

I'm looking at an object that is from the future...or past...definitely not the present. It looks metallic but could be plastic, maybe made from materials unknown to humans. I'm guessing it is something chewed by my lab but I'm wondering if it could actually be chewed. It appears to be fleshed colored on the outside but strangely blue on the inside.

I can't help myself, I smell it. Doesn't really smell like anything. I turn it in my fingers and then set it down on our ottoman. I walk around it for a second (actually forever as I made multiple drinks). I'm breaking this down in my head. What the hell is that? How did it get on my floor and why, for the love of God, is it so painful to step on?

I pick it up again and inspect it further, as most certainly I will be able to mentally break this down. I turn  it around in my fingers and squeeze it. I try so hard to smell it again as if my super human smelling ability will give away its identity (your judging me). I stand there completely enamored. If it tastes like plastic, it is probably plastic and my dog chewed it and left it. I shouldn't taste it (I know what you are thinking). I'm totally going to taste it. I have gone too far and put way too much thought into it. Just to lightly touch it on my tongue for a second is completely harmless? That would be okay, right?

I’m daring myself to taste it. I do not suffer from multiple personalities but I do hear different voices in my head, totally encouraging me and only a few that are telling me this is a bad idea. I'm looking at this thing that doesn't seem man made. It's not recognizable, it doesn't smell like anything, it's hard enough to cut glass, it is flesh colored on the outside, blue in the middle. I have to taste it. I can't bite it and I won't bite it because that would be worse? I could put my tongue on it though.  Just for a second.

At this point it's way too late. I’ve already committed and I can't back down. I taste it. I can't actually explain what it tastes like (even to myself) which is why I tasted it again. It actually tastes pretty good, which is why I swished it around in my mouth for a little while.  I'm unsure if it's my fingers I tasted originally, or if it is this object that mildly tastes like bacon. I probably shouldn't have put my tongue on this thing twice but swishing it around in my mouth feels liberating, hell it feels manly! I couldn't help myself.

I walked in to the backyard and threw it in the grass. I had to make it go away. I don't want to know (oh my god I must know).  I will sleep just fine and move on with my life (my life will never be the same).  I am perfectly fine knowing that there is an object that I stepped on, that left me a bit befuddled (I'm going to search on hands and knees to find it).  I am going to move on to another cocktail and resume my life (totally curious what it will taste like tomorrow).

Friends and family...rest assured that I am not walking around picking things off the floor and tasting them. I swear I'm not (but I have if you are in to that kind of thing).