Being a husband for 18 years, I’ve developed a few different techniques that I would love to share to maximize your pleasure, and increase happiness in your home. This writing is mostly for men, to be used as a case study in order to figure out the easiest way to please your wife and leave her exhausted…yet wanting more. Now it’s not easy in our home to consistently bring my wife to a state of ecstasy, especially since we are both working parents. But one technique I’ve found is something you can use immediately and get results. Now let’s be adult about this because it’s a very intimate moment, shared between consenting adults, and on my day off. It’s married people phone sex. Ladies…pull over if you are in the car, or sit down, this gets intense:
Me: Hey Baby! Got a moment?
Wife: Sure what’s up?
Me: Ya know what I just did while thinking of you?
Wife: (mildly scared) Do I want to know?
Me: I just took down the Christmas lights, real slow…and rolled them up nice and tight. Just the way you like…
Wife: Oh my…that’s kind of hot. Thank you…
Me: (slowly whispering words while breathing deeply). You know what I’m doing right now?
Wife: No baby. Tell me…
Me: I’m doing the dishes, nice and slow. Slowly scrubbing them before putting them in the dish washer. (Deep sigh) Do you like that baby?
Wife: (whispering) Oh My God! You know I love it when you do that. Are you using a clean sponge?
Me: You know I am…
Wife: Because there was nothing wrong with the other one.
Me: I want this to be special baby…and all about you. Let me do all the work. (I lied I couldn’t find a clean sponge)
Wife: Oh my… (Panting). Are you using a lot of Palmolive?
Me: I got it everywhere…it smells like a lemon tree orgy up in here.
Wife: You aren’t making a mess are you?
Me: FOCUS LADY! Oh I’m making mess baby…but you know what I’m going to do after I finish? (Grunting) I’m going to clean up after myself.
Wife: Oh My Freaking God you are driving me crazy! Don’t you dare finish yet! Don’t leave me hanging…tell me more
Me: I’m even going to use the Normal Wash Cycle to save water baby, I know you love it when it I do that.
Wife: No! OMG please use the Heavy Wash Button…Please use it…Don’t stop
Me: (deep growling voice) There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I’m pushing it right now!
Wife: This isn’t fair…you’re already done…DON”T LEAVE ME HANGING! (I typically finish before her)
Fellas…this is where as a man you have to step up to the plate! No matter how tired you are, no matter how high the mountain is you are faced to climb, don’t be selfish! GET IT DONE AND BE THE MAN!!!
Me: You think I’m done with you? I told you there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. You know what I’m going to do next?
Wife: OMG tell me right now!
Me: I’m going to start the laundry.
Wife: Holy Mother of God!!! Don’t Stop!!!
Me: (growling with teeth gritted) I even separated the whites from colors.
Wife: OH MY GAAAAWWWWDDDDD!
Me: (yeah that’s what I’m talking about). You okay baby?
Wife: (silence at first then deep breaths) Just give me a second to recover…I’ll call you back.
I sit back with a grin on my face and lower the phone. Ladies and Gentleman: That’s how it’s done and that’s how I roll. God I kick ass!
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Matt Greer Inc. would like to categorically state that this is a fictional writing and “The Wife” should not be embarrassed in any way or be pissed. Matt Greer Inc. also believes that Matt Greer (our client) should not be punished or held liable for his creativity, nor should he face any long term time spent on the couch. If anything, Matt Greer (our client) should be rewarded for actually doing the work mentioned above. Matt Greer Inc. truly believes Matt Greer should get a steak.
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